Bad relationships: we pick them ourselves, don’t we?
So you may ask yourself: why why why why??…..but the truth is, we choose poor partners because we don’t validate our own inner knowings. By validate, I mean listen to that inner voice that “knows” something isn’t right.
Curious how an intelligent person such as yourself can fall down once again? Well, if you grew up in a tumultuous childhood (and who didn’t?) you were most likely, unheard and invalidated. When you grow up naturally wanting validation from the world around you, you never develop a self validation reflex.
What does this mean? It means you’re vulnerable to others that lay it on thick in the beginning, and you let yourself be put on a pedestal and lavished with false love. This false love may feel validating, but it’s truly not.
We ignore the signs of trouble because we’re enjoying someone outside of ourselves lavishing us with courtship and romance. We don’t listen to that inner knowing of “uh oh something’s wrong here,” and instead continue to feed our validation needs by forcing an unhealthy relationship to work.
How many of us have done this: trying over and over to fix it, make it work, and figure it out?
Sure relationships are hard and communication is tricky; all good things require some degree of work, but a dysfunctional relationship has big warning signs early on.
If you’re someone that grew up trusting your own guidance, chances are you will run when true dysfunction arises; but on the flip side, if you grew up in a difficult childhood, you will try to make it work at all costs and continue to seek validation outside yourself from your partner.
The good times feel so good, they feed the empty space inside of us and we continue to ignore the warnings in our core. Lack of personal validation causes us to justify our partner’s poor behaviors, while healthy self validation skills would acknowledge them.
Maybe there aren’t any poor behaviors, maybe there’s nothing but flowery romance and tons of over giving; yet in the pit of your stomach you know something just isn’t right. In this case, we’ve got to consider the hidden needy side of ourselves that’s longing to be filled. Unfortunately, when we allow someone who’s just not right for us to fill our needs, we set an unhealthy trap.
When you trust yourself and can provide your own validation, you’ll trust your inner knowing and stop making poor choices in relationship. When we can recognize that the highs of early romance are feeding an empty place inside that wants to be validated, we can stop ignoring the tell tale signs of dysfunction, and we can begin to choose healthy partners. When we can recognize and tend to our own neediness, we won’t look for the wrong person to fill the emptiness, we learn to fill it for ourselves.
The bad news? We’ve been volunteering for these bad relationships.
The good news? We can choose differently now.
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