Domestic Violence Isn’t Always Physical.

Sometimes in life you witness a friend or even yourself go through something that while heavy hearted, serves the whole community by educating everyone about the subject.  Sadly a close friend recently went through a domestic violence situation.  Seems she thought domestic violence only involved physical abuse, so it never crossed her mind that she herself may be in this sort of negative situation. This is a well-educated, articulate woman that has done a lot of work on herself and seemed to be the pillar that many friends looked to for advice.  She never stopped to consider that her situation was not only hurtful;  but the kind of vicious cycle women, and sometimes men, can find themselves in without even realizing it before it’s too late!

So I write this tonight in hopes that none of you out there are in this sort of situation; but hope that if just one of you is experiencing this….you will wake up and realize you’re worth so much more than this sort of treatment.

Domestic Violence, outside of the obvious signs of physical abuse such as pushing, grabbing, and hitting can be subtle.  Controlling behaviors, shaming, refusing to listen, talking over you, blaming, emotional abuse, yelling, lying, neglecting, stalking, inappropriate sexual pressure, intimidation and psychological manipulation are all examples.

Those that had upside down childhoods where they were forced to “parent” a parent or had healthy boundaries ignored are most at risk for this type of relationship.  Children that were yelled at one moment and then showered with apologies and loving behaviors the next become confused and often times miss the signs of abuse in adult relationships.  Children that were blamed, made wrong, ignored, put down, or abused physically are at high risk for adult domestic abuse.  When your childhood was filled with emotional ups and downs; it’s easy as an adult to equate this type of behavior with love. As a child you can’t leave your parent so you either try to “fix” them or you make excuses for them and take the blame.

If you, like so many, had this type of childhood, here are the signs to watch for in your intimate relationships:

~ Being extra attentive to other’s needs vs. your own.  Over time if you’re in an abusive relationship (or grew up in an abusive household),  you learn to walk on egg shells so you don’t upset your partner.  Chances are you did this with a parent and unconsciously do this with friends and co-workers.  Keeping quiet, not speaking your mind, not wanting to rock the boat, justifying bad behaviors as “oh, i must be overreacting” are all signs that you’re not listening to your inner voice!  Anytime you’re in indecision about whether or not you should be upset about something you’re ignoring your inner voice.

~Many people in domestic violence situations are not the stereotypically passive, low self-esteem type of personalities.  Many seem outwardly happy and even successful in their lives and career neglecting to share with others what goes on at home.

~Another sign to notice is that you no longer get together with friends as often as you once did since you are always trying to repair an argument or get over a recent dramatic event within your relationship.  Missing social events or spending the weekend fighting instead of having fun together can be a sign that you’re in a bad relationship.  You may start to feel isolated as your partner demands most of your time.  You may even hear yourself justifying your partner’s behaviors and making excuses for them.  Often as time passes, victims lose their self esteem and start to question and blame themselves for the problems within the relationship.  My friend found herself spending hundreds of dollars on therapy and self improvement trying to fix herself so that her relationship could work.

~Often domestic violence victims start to cower in other areas of their life, backing down from any sort of conflict.  Rather than speaking your truth, you keep quiet to keep the peace.  Perhaps a habit from your relationship, or maybe you’re just too tired to speak up after so much conflict at home.  Asserting your needs and desires start to feel like a battle zone and it’s easier to just accommodate.

~If you grew up in an emotionally disruptive household you may not be able to really identify what you’re feeling or what you need and want.  Children that live with volatile parents learn to put the parent first and care take, hoping to keep the peace above everything else.  If children aren’t taught good boundaries, they are taught to think outside of their own needs and grow up ignoring these needs.

~Do you put yourself in dangerous situations such as aggressive driving by your partner yet stay quiet so you don’t set them off into a violent rage?

~Are you exhausted most of the time?  Are you starting to have a hard time making decisions for yourself and find your thinking cloudy? Do you question yourself and your needs more than you trust your own knowing?

~Do you find yourself having sex when you don’t want it on a regular basis to just keep the peace?  Any time you find yourself doing what you really don’t want to do just to keep the peace is a sign that you are giving your power away.

~Do you find yourself breaking up and then getting back together often forgiving bad behaviors, giving them another chance and believing empty promises that never come true?  So  many domestic violence victims want to believe that their partners have changed, want to believe that there can be a fresh start and hope that their love can overcome all obstacles.  When children from violent childhoods can’t escape the angry parent, they learn to justify bad behaviors, blame themselves and then hope unrealistically that the parent can and will change.  This cycle becomes learned and unconscious.

True love is a give and take scenario.  Sure at times you may do things you don’t really want to do for your partner’s sake but you know in your heart when this is occurring on a regular basis.

Real love between 2 healthy people respects boundaries, shares the burden of blame when things go wrong, and works to find a way to work things out without verbal abuse or rage.

The good news is that once you get it, really get it; you look backwards and forwards with such clarity that you never miss the signs again.  You vibrate at a different frequency and  clarity moves back through your past and into your future. You recognize the signs you ignored and see the patterns you participated in…. Ah ha moments realizing what you’ve endured, where you came from, how these habits formed, and how you will be treated in the future come frequently and with crystal clarity.

You are stronger and smarter and able to lend a hand to those around you that may be in this situation. One by one we wake up, say no, and walk away forever. Finally we find ourselves walking toward freedom and real love, hell…we find ourselves running toward it!

xo

~all photos from freedigitalphotos.net

couple, sad man and rainbow by graur codrin, family by Tom Clare, gate by Simon Howden, angry man by Filomena Scalise

Tagged as: communication, domestic violence, emotional abuse, healthy living, love, physical abuse, relationships, self esteem